I remember the couple of months leading up to my diagnosis well. We'd had a fabulous holiday down in Dorset and even joked about buying a static down there, out of our affordability but it was a nice dream. I'd gone back to work and was confident in my job, second year full time and going well on a uni course to study for a foundation degree. We went to a school quiz just days before, everything fine, I'd even had a parents evening with my parents and I joked about never going to have a day off from work, then BOOM!
It was Rob's (my husband's) 39th birthday and I was in the shower. I randomly was soaping myself up and I felt something strange. I think I'd done the same a few days earlier but thought nothing about it. This time I was sure something wasn't right. I told Rob, my mum, my sister etc that something wasn't right so decided to get an appointment at the doctors. That night we went out to the pub to celebrate his birthday. I remember sitting there with a glass of wine, the last drink I've ever had and I just wasn't right. I left my drink and a gloom had settled over me.
Shortly after I saw my GP. I thought she was very dismissive of my lump. She said she'd send my for a routine mammogram at the hospital and the appointment would be through in around 2 weeks!! I was in complete and utter turmoil, the thought of waiting two weeks seemed impossible. My mum did some chasing around and managed to get me into a private clinic to see a well known consultant for that very weekend. I'd never dreamed of ever going private, but I was in such a state that it seemed like the best idea.
Saturday came around. My mum and dad came to look after the kids. We told hem we were just popping to the shops. We thought they were too young to be worrying about this if it turned out to be nothing. We pulled up in the car park in the private hospital, silly me says "ooo look free parking!" We went in and waited. I remember someone asking me if I wanted to see the price lists for mammograms and ultrasounds. I agreed although there wasn't much point really, as sat there I wasn't really going to not pay for it!
The ultrasound and mammogram were all a bit of a hazy memory, I've had so many since. We then sat with the consultant for the results. Now everyone had convinced me he'd say it was just a cyst. Those of you who know me know I'm usually a glass half empty kind of girl, but people had got me into thinking it was half full. When we words "It's not good news I'm afraid" came out of his mouth I was devastated. Words can not describe how I felt at that very moment, I just fell to pieces.
Eventually after he had got a nurse in to calm us down he came back and went through what happens next. At that stage he couldn't confirm categorically that it was cancer, but he was pretty certain. He needed to arrange for me to have a biopsy to check the exact nature. He knew that we couldn't really afford to be private so switched us back into his NHS clinic for this. My life from thereon for the next few weeks became a haze.
I remember the sobbing phone calls to various family members in the car park. We still had to somehow get home and tell the children. I don't even remember how we did that. I just remember some months later a nine year old telling me how she remembered how I lied to her on that Saturday when I had my first appointment. After that I promised that if possible I'd always tell her the truth, even when I regularly got questions like "Are you going to die mummy?"
Those few weeks from being told in all probability I had cancer until the day I finally got my diagnosis on 3rd November and a plan for treatment were possible almost the worst in my life. I'd got plans for the hymns and songs I'd like for my funeral. I had to be there to take my kids to and from school. I couldn't not see them off each morning. I just kept thinking, "would they remember me when I'm gone?"
When 3rd November came around, I remember walking out with a smile. The sun shone through the windows of the hospital waiting room as I left, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. From the outside this seems strange, but on the inside I'd got an answer. I knew that I had an aggressive form of breast cancer, and had been told what my treatment path was. I knew that treatment would begin pretty quickly and I had some direction and goal in my life.
I hope reading the fullest account I've ever written about my diagnosis will help you see what being breast cancer aware is all about. Please share this with your friends. Remember I have walked through some of the darkest days, but I'm here still to walk in the sunshine.
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