My Final Blog

In just 2 days time, the first of my 5 year anniversaries arrives.  As we celebrate my husband's 44th birthday, I will reflect on the day 5 years ago that changed my life forever, finding that lump that signaled the start of my cancer journey.

Over the last 6 or so months many of you have followed my journey on my most ambitious fundraising effort to day embarking on 40 challenges before my 40th birthday.  Well here now is my final challenge complete, with my very last entry, number 40 on my blog.

Last week we held a party at the Tamworth Wellbeing and Cancer Support Centre where a great many of you who've supported me over the last few months joined with me to celebrate.  It was a wonderful afternoon, with friends and family as well as clients and volunteers all popping in with food and plenty of flowers for me.  We raised a little more money on the way, but primarily this was all about celebrating the challenges and the fact that I am still standing here 5 years on.  There were a few tears shed for those who couldn't be with me to share my special day.
I carefully chose my outfit for the occasion wearing a breakthrough breast cancer necklace my parents bought me for my 35th birthday, shortly after diagnosis.  I had a pink ribbon bracelet handmade by my sister when I was on treatment, and finished it of with one of my pink bandanas worn here as a neck scarf but was used to cover my bald head during treatment.  I've always been one to make a statement since getting cancer.

Here a few of the images from the day;

3 survivors all of us have beaten breast cancer in the last 5 years

A gift from the Tamworth Wellbeing and Cancer Support Centre 

My husband who's backed me all the way with my hair brained schemes

I now know that 14 of the cubs and scouts from my son's scout pack have raised around £100 for the centre too, which will mean that my final total for 40 before 40 will be in excess of £1500, a truly amazing amount of money.

So looking back over my 40 before 40 I have had some great experiences, from riding a Boris Bike to the exhilaration of conquering my fear of heights  and reaching the top of the climbing wall.  I can look back with pride overcoming my shear panic on mount Snowdon to making it to the top and back in one piece!  I had great fun trying 40 new foods, and munching on 40 different types of crisps.  I recaptured some of my youth by playing on retro computer games and reading classics from my childhood.  I experienced canoeing and watching rugby for the first time.  I even did a few healthy things like riding my bike, and 40 days of fitness.  My friends and family will hope never to see me in public in a monkey onesie ever again, although I'm quite attached to it now!
It has been great that people have stopped me to ask how my challenges have been going and were keen to know what's next.  Now that is the big question what could top 40 before 40?!

I go into the next couple of weeks knowing they will be very emotional.  My anniversary just days before my birthday is a date I never would have imagined ever seeing when I first stepped foot out of that clinic 5 years ago.  I'll be spending my 40th with the people who matter the most to me, my family, and it will be a really special time.

Many people fear turning 40, not me, it has been an ambition for the last 5 years of my life!

I'd like to think of those now just stepping onto the path I have trodden and hope that I can inspire them to believe they will get through and will beat cancer like I have.

Cancer will always be a part of my life.  I've got a pretty big scar across the middle of my chest to remind me.  It does not embarrass me though.  I look at myself in the mirror and it gives me strength. Loosing a boob does not define a woman, it is what she chooses to do with her life after that does.

Final challenge

On Monday this week 14 cubs and scouts including my son took part in a sponsored swim, with half of the proceeds going to the Tamworth Wellbeing and Cancer Support Centre, my charity!  I visited them a few weeks ago to talk about the charity and a little about my experiences, and sat poolside on Monday helping to count the lengths swam.  It was an enjoyable experience working with kids to raise awareness about what we do.  This last challenge wasn't designed to bring in hundreds of pounds for my final total, but was to encourage greater community involvement hopefully inspiring children from a young age to get involved in charity work.  There are some shining examples of young adults and children who've been amazing inspirational role models for their respective charities, who've achieved far more than I ever will be able to, some who've sadly left us behind at far too young an age.  Hopefully we can all reach out to others and all do our bit to help someone else.

These 40 challenges have shown me a wonderful side of other people.  People keep telling me that I inspire them, but it's the reaction that I get that inspires me.  I cannot thank enough the total stranger to me who got me up a climbing wall!  The volunteers at the centre have supported me with all the hair brain plans I've had, including this weekend's party.  My own family have done lots too donating auction prizes, taking part in challenges with me, or just putting up with all the randomness that my ideas for challenges bring with them!
Finally I mustn't forget each and every one of you who's read my blog, shared my posts or put a few quid in the pot.  You keep me going!

I now enter into my last few weeks at being in my 30's and I do not fear being 40 at all.  I've accomplished such a lot, and have so much to be thankful for.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

This time almost 5 years ago, I would not have had an idea about breast cancer.  I didn't regularly check myself or pay any attention to statistics.  I never dreamed that someone in their mid 30's with no health problems would get breast cancer.  It literally was a bolt out of the blue.

I remember the couple of months leading up to my diagnosis well.  We'd had a fabulous holiday down in Dorset and even joked about buying a static down there, out of our affordability but it was a nice dream.  I'd gone back to work and was confident in my job, second year full time and going well on a uni course to study for a foundation degree.  We went to a school quiz just days before, everything fine, I'd even had a parents evening with my parents and I joked about never going to have a day off from work, then BOOM!
It was Rob's (my husband's) 39th birthday and I was in the shower.  I randomly was soaping myself up and I felt something strange.  I think I'd done the same a few days earlier but thought nothing about it.  This time I was sure something wasn't right.  I told Rob, my mum, my sister etc that something wasn't right so decided to get an appointment at the doctors.  That night we went out to the pub to celebrate his birthday.  I remember sitting there with a glass of wine, the last drink I've ever had and I just wasn't right.  I left my drink and a gloom had settled over me.
Shortly after I saw my GP.  I thought she was very dismissive of my lump.  She said she'd send my for a routine mammogram at the hospital and the appointment would be through in around 2 weeks!!  I was in complete and utter turmoil, the thought of waiting two weeks seemed impossible.  My mum did some chasing around and managed to get me into a private clinic to see a well known consultant for that very weekend.  I'd never dreamed of ever going private, but I was in such a state that it seemed like the best idea.
Saturday came around.  My mum and dad came to look after the kids.  We told hem we were just popping to the shops.  We thought they were too young to be worrying about this if it turned out to be nothing.  We pulled up in the car park in the private hospital, silly me says "ooo look free parking!"  We went in and waited.  I remember someone asking me if I wanted to see the price lists for mammograms and ultrasounds.  I agreed although there wasn't much point really, as sat there I wasn't really going to not pay for it!
The ultrasound and mammogram were all a bit of a hazy memory, I've had so many since.  We then sat with the consultant for the results.  Now everyone had convinced me he'd say it was just a cyst.  Those of you who know me know I'm usually a glass half empty kind of girl, but people had got me into thinking it was half full.  When we words "It's not good news I'm afraid" came out of his mouth I was devastated.  Words can not describe how I felt at that very moment, I just fell to pieces.
Eventually after he had got a nurse in to calm us down he came back and went through what happens next.  At that stage he couldn't confirm categorically that it was cancer, but he was pretty certain.  He needed to arrange for me to have a biopsy to check the exact nature.  He knew that we couldn't really afford to be private so switched us back into his NHS clinic for this.  My life from thereon for the next few weeks became a haze.
I remember the sobbing phone calls to various family members in the car  park.  We still had to somehow get home and tell the children.  I don't even remember how we did that.  I just remember some months later a nine year old telling me how she remembered how I lied to her on that Saturday when I had my first appointment.  After that I promised that if possible I'd always tell her the truth, even when I regularly got questions like "Are you going to die mummy?"
Those few weeks from being told in all probability I had cancer until the day I finally got my diagnosis on 3rd November and a plan for treatment were possible almost the worst in my life.  I'd got plans for the hymns and songs I'd like for my funeral.  I had to be there to take my kids to and from school.  I couldn't not see them off each morning.  I just kept thinking, "would they remember me when I'm gone?"
When 3rd November came around, I remember walking out with a smile.  The sun shone through the windows of the hospital waiting room as I left, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  From the outside this seems strange, but on the inside I'd got an answer.  I knew that I had an aggressive form of breast cancer, and had been told what my treatment path was.  I knew that treatment would begin pretty quickly and I had some direction and goal in my life.

I hope reading the fullest account I've ever written about my diagnosis will help you see what being breast cancer aware is all about.  Please share this with your friends.  Remember I have walked through some of the darkest days, but I'm here still to walk in the sunshine.

Remembering friends

Today marks the 21st anniversary of my best friend's death from non-hodgkin's lymphoma aged just 18.  I shed a few tears remembering how she suffered, but battled through with amazing courage and spirit.  It's only when you have cancer yourself do you truly appreciate what living with cancer is really like.  I stood on the sidelines and watched a teenager cruelly taken away from us when she should have been enjoying some of the best years of her life.  She wore a smile and made us laugh even when she was really sick.  I will never forget that friendship.
Cancer never goes away from you.  As I sit here thinking about what her life might have been like, I think how fortunate I am to be given another chance with mine.  This is partly why I want to make a difference.  Cancer has weakened me in many ways physically and mentally, but it has given me and new strength and direction in life.  I wear my scars proudly, a battle won.  I hope like Margaret was inspirational for me, I can inspire someone else in their dark places that cancer takes them.

My challenges to celebrate my 2 major landmarks are almost at the end.  This week I visited our local cubs and scouts to talk to them a little bit about my cancer and the charity that has helped me throughout.  They will be embarking on their sponsored swim in little over a week's time, hopefully generating a little more money for the charity, but also gaining a better understanding about how a local charity works near them.
The support I've had as be amazing throughout the last few months.  It really will have made a difference to people's lives with cancer.
Margaret I hope is looking down on me proud of what has been achieved.  She will always hold a piece of my heart.

https://www.justgiving.com/Louisevernon4040/

4 years cancer free!

This day 4 years ago was one of many on my emotional roller coaster.  The day started off with a hymn at a school mass which I'll share with you.  Put this into perspective.  After mass I'm heading off to have my very last radiotherapy session after a grueling almost 10 months of treatment.  As you can imagine there were floods of tears!!  It gets me every time I sing or hear it. 

The greatest day in history
Death is beaten, You have rescued me
Sing it out, Jesus is alive

The empty cross, the empty grave
Life eternal, You have won the day
Shout it out, Jesus is alive
He's alive

Oh, happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh, happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

When I stand in that place
Free at last, meeting face to face
I am yours, Jesus, You are mine

Endless joy, perfect peace
Earthly pain finally will cease
Celebrate, Jesus is alive
He's alive

Oh, happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh, happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

Oh, what a glorious day
What a glorious way
That You have saved me
Oh, what a glorious day
What a glorious name

Oh, happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh, happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

Songwriters
Timothy David Hughes;Ben Cantelon

Today I sit here, 4 years on, relatively fit and healthy.  I walked to and from work.  The sun came out on the way home. I then spent 3 hours at the Centre for a volunteers meeting. I have a job that is rewarding, I do a bit of voluntary work where I can which makes having had cancer worth something.  I have 2 beautiful children, wonderful family and friends, and a husband that isn't too bad either!

Today is definitely a happy day, and things have changed dramatically in my life, but I wouldn't change them.  I am forever changed. 

Then

Now

 

The home straight and memories of Christmas with cancer

Books and games now completed!  Prince Caspian finished off the 40 with The Wizard of Oz and The Wolves of Willoughby Chase also read this week.  A final mad Lego board game afternoon has seen the 40 family games chalked off too.

All that remains is for this blog to be completed, which I will continue right up until my birthday, (lucky you!)  a scouts sponsored swim, which I have to go in and promote the charity so they can organise it as part of their badge work, plus help out with them counting out lengths on the night.  Finally (although now not officially a challenge) I will be holding a party / get together for as many people as I can possibly fit in the centre who'd like to come who've been involved in some way or another with my challenges.

I want to make sure that it the coming few weeks I share with you some more of my experiences of living with cancer, party as a reminder to me, but in the hope it might help others too.
I hope to show not just the serious side, but the funny side of cancer too!  (There really is you know!)

Firstly some pictures dug out of Christmas Day whilst on treatment.
On the first you can see how terrible I looked (I actually was worse than the photo suggests!)
I sat there on Christmas Eve full of cold with a temperature.  For most people this isn't a problem, but if you are on chemo you're supposed to go into A+E with a temperature because of infection risk with low blood counts.  There was no way however was I going to let my two little kids wake up on Christmas morning to no mum, so I just hoped and prayed that I'd be OK.

  As you can see, although unwell, I made good use of all the winter woollies I'd been given to get me through the winter, modelling them all at the same time.
Fortunately for me the temperature didn't get any worse, but by the time I went to get my checkup in clinic between Christmas and New Year for my next round of chemo, I was given antibiotics and my chemo was delayed.  The down side to this was I wasn't going anywhere for New Year.  The upside was I got to spend it with my family, not suffering the after effects of chemo to see in the New Year!

As you can see, party hats look so much better on a bald head!  We got through until New Year without any further illness, and I had my chemo a week later.  We also made the most of a New Year's Eve together just the four of us.

Cancer threw some horrible stuff at us as a family, but we got through it.  This is why each birthday and Christmas is even more special to me now.

https://www.justgiving.com/Louisevernon4040/

The end is in sight

As many of my challenges near their conclusion the end is in sight, and an amazing £1270 has been raised along the way to date.
The cycling 40 miles was done in 5 days and only now almost 2 weeks later am I thinking of going near my bike again.

Last week we had a mammoth film fest to get them all completed, the final one being Antman which we went to see at the cinema along with my parents too.
Much of last week I've had my nose stuck in a book finishing Frankenstein and Far from a madding crowd, both requiring immense concentration to follow the language.  I now recall why I didn't go any further than GCSE English.  I've just got to find 3 more now that I haven't already read.  I scoured the library the other day and have been in second hand book shops to no further avail so far.  Hopefully I'll have better luck this week.
Board games and card games are slowly being plowed through, last night after reading through the rules a handful of times we tackled Backgammon.  Not convinced we played it properly.  It took us 10 minutes and at no point did we block each other's counters. We might need to research tactics!  There's 6 more left to go now, so currently working through the huge number of Lego board games we have in our house.  At least these are no so taxing.
Party invites have been issued to many of the people involved, so the end is really drawing close.  I'm not quite sure what I'll do with all my free time afterwards!!  I'm sure more volunteering and different types of fundraising will be on the cards.  It's going to be pretty hard to top this one though.
As I get down to my last few blog entries I might need you all to get sharing to get me some readers like I did with my first few entries, that had well over 100 views (340 on the very first one)!  Thank you for sticking with me to the end.
When I was ill I had contemplated writing a book / journal of what I was going through.  I never did get around to it, perhaps if blogging had been as popular and accessible then I might have.  I only got myself setup on Facebook when I was ill.  I have to say it kept me in touch with the world and helped me get through many hours where I wasn't really well enough to do anything else.  Time makes you forget some of what you went through, which is why I sometimes look back and think a journal might have been good.  I wouldn't want it to feel sorry for myself, more as a reminder of how far I've actually come.  Little things do pop back into my head now and again.  I remember little bits about the fatigue, and how I would try and go for a walk, sometimes just walking to the next street corner and back would actually be a real struggle.  There would be other times where my mum would do the school run, and I'd sit in the car just so I could get outside.  I was too tired to walk the short distance to the school playground and back.  It was also the coldest winter for years, great when you're semi bald.  I used to go out with 2 hats on, and even sleep in one occasionally.
I often go to support groups and chat to people, each of us has our own little story, with our trials and memories.  Perhaps that might make an interesting read sometime.  Not everything was doom and gloom though.  I recall trying to get into school in a bit of a panic to speak to my son's teacher to explain how we'd been throwing my boob around the room and he'd been holding it  that morning (to explain what a prosthesis is).  This could have been a potentially awkward conversation that she might have had to have with a 6 year old when taken out of context.  I dare not imagine what he might have said.
My parents were mortified having got me a new electric razor for my birthday, only a couple of weeks later  for my hair to start falling out.  I found this hilarious!  We also found a great use for my old bras when the snow came and the children made snow ladies!  (I add only in the back garden!)
Sitting in oncology they always used to have radio 2 on.  I still remember the irony of listening to Gloria Gaynor - "I will survive" when I'd just received some bad news about my chemo not working.  I also changed my ringtone on my phone to "Radioactive" by the Kings of Leon when I was trundling backwards and forwards to radiotherapy for 3 weeks.  People were always worried at offending me.  A friend had posted something on Facebook to me about pulling her hair out.  I remember her being horrified where as I was crying with laughter.  You definitely get a warped sense of humour when going through treatment.
That's probably enough ramblings for one morning.  I did say I wanted more people to read this!!  Enjoy your day and think of something positive!